my broken heart

On January 18th my heart shattered into a million pieces, I found out my 23 week old baby boy whom I’d felt move inside me and already loved with all my heart was dead.  The next day I had to do the impossible, I had to deliver him.

I remember hearing about one of my sister’s friends losing her babies and thinking ‘that can’t happen to me I’ve already been through so much, I’ve already had to fight so hard for my children!’.  I don’t think like that anymore.  I am forever changed.  I see differently.  I love differently.  In some ways I’ve learned more of what it means to be a mother and love unconditionally in the death of my son than in the lives of my two children.  Some of the most beautiful lessons in life are learned through the hardest experiences.

My heart is broken and may be forever, I’m okay with that.  I am in the process of rebuilding it.  I feel that there are two paths I can choose in this reconstruction.  I can choose to become a hardened, bitter, cynical person, or I can choose to be a more loving, giving, compassionate one. Each day I have to fight for the latter.  Some days I succeed and other days I fail miserably.

Comments

  1. Marenda:

    This is beautifully said. I am sure you are doing better than you think. My heart still breaks for you.

  2. Tiff:

    You are still in my prayers. God bless you.

  3. Yana:

    From all my heart I wish you better days. No more sadness. never.

  4. elda:

    I agree, it’s easier to become bitter… but life is just too short. I hope you always find little things in everyday life that could help you grow even bigger.. thank you for sharing your sorrow too.

  5. Katherine:

    I can only try to imagine your pain; my heart goes out to you. While I’m sure it’s hard to share so publicly what you’re experiencing, your honesty is so special. More of us need to show the real things instead of just the shiny, polished version. May you know true hope and healing through the promises of God, in Jesus. He has been all my hope and strength and I hope he can be yours.

  6. I’ve been thinking about you everyday since I read your first update. Like those who’ve been here before me, I wish you better days.

  7. I pray for God to fill you with strength so you can keep fighting. I lost my son when he was 6 weeks old and I thought for sure I would die, but Jesus just wouldn’t let me. He kept carrying me through each and every day, slowly filling me with hope again. I know it may not feel like it, but just making the choice to fight means you are headed in the right direction. I hope you can feel Him leading your way. xo

  8. You are amazing. It is our greatest trials that bring us our greatest strength. You either succumb or grow. When you choose growth the end results are always amazing.

  9. Katrina:

    Hi there…first time on your site…was directed here by Janae at Bring Joy. It’s amazing how god or the universe or whatever power is in charge works. I randomly scanned her post and ended up here. Tomorrow marks 3 years since I delivered my baby girl, Vivienne, stillborn at 9 days overdue. She didn’t tolerate labor (likely cord compression with each contraction, but after extensive testing and autopsy, there is no real cause of death). I found out she was dead at the hospital when I arrived there, in the full throes of labor. It was by far the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve since had another little boy (my first son was 4.5 years when this all went down) and I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant with another little girl. I felt the need to comment because I got so much wonderful support from other women and I feel like given the timing of my discovery of your blog, maybe I could be of some support for you; like paying it forward, so to speak. I would love to share some of the ways we keep Vivienne’s spirit and memory alive. If you are interested, please email me! If not, the hugest of hugs to you and your family. Keep working on your grief and feeling that pain. My most favorite quote I discovered is “grief is patient. It will wait for you.” Xoxo

    • admin:

      Katrina,
      Thank for sharing your heart wrenching story. It does somehow help to hear others’ stories, it makes me feel not so alone. What a great quote too, btw!

  10. You touched my heart, I don’t know u but sending good thoughts from Israel, can’t imagine the pain, I just became a mom 3 months ago, so sorry and wishing happy days
    Yaarah

  11. Deby:

    Hey there. Massive love from our little french piece of earth. I hope your heart heals as much as possible and you find joy in little things around you every day a little bit, have faith in your creative soul : )

  12. I love you for sharing this. We almost lost our baby girl twice, once in the womb and once due to severe illness. I commend you for being brave even though there will be a lot of tears. Lots of love and encouragement to you and your family.

  13. Dana:

    I’m so very sorry. I know I’m just a stranger, but I feel the need to let you know that my thoughts are with you and your family.

  14. Marci:

    I just discovered your blog and read this post. I am so, so sorry this happened to you and your family. My heart breaks for you. I never comment on blogs, but your story touched me.

  15. Agustina G:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you my best wishes.
    xoxo
    Tina from Buenos Aires

  16. Ilaria:

    Your story touched me in ways I cannot describe. You are tough and incredible. Best wishes to you and your family.
    iLa

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